I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
