my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
sarcasm needs its own font
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
