remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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