I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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