The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Randomize
