omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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