hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Randomize
