I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
