dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
