True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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