So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
