My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
