My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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