The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
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