I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
