she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
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Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
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Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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