The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
