my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize