We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
