I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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