Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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