i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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