Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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