believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Mom said you looked used
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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