haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I AM VODKA MAN
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Randomize
