my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
