Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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