Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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