We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
The dick lei will go down in squad history
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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