I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
