The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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