so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
