They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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