i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
