He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
