she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
