I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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