I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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