My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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