Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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