I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
