i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
