Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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