Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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