It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Drunk is a universal language darling
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