she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
