I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
