you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
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The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize