Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
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He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
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Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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