Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
