I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
