we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
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Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
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Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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