i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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