i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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