This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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